wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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An odd boast
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it