Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
You Might Also Like
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night