There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Camping tip: No.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache