Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
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“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok