Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
God has abandoned us.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
the council will decide your fate
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words