@NewDadNotes

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

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@juneohara65

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

@Darlainky

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@jimmytorosian

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

@PinkCamoTO

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

@pilau

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

@Marlebean

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”