You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.
the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
19: Help me think of a tweet.
Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER