
You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
BREAKING:
My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.
the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
19: Help me think of a tweet.
Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.
19: Maaaaa!
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER