Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.