Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.


It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight


I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.


[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy


It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.


[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.


It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.


There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.


[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”