Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
We’ve all been there
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.