Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.

Me: No I need the car.

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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with


CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
Me: That’s my signature.


My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so


Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.


Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!


And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”


in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter