@novicefather

Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.

Me: No I need the car.

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@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

@AimeeHelene1

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

@MichaelTrying

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

@Reverend_Scott

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

@SIGKILL

in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter