wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Watson was Holmes schooled
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.