Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast


Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]


a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy


best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder


*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*


I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.


[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!


Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.


“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian