@beefman138

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@GrantTanaka

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

@handsock_butts

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

@platinum2000

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@TheAlexNevil

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

@iGreenMonk

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.

@WilliamAder

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian