Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

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Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.


By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?


*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”


I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.


Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.


[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now


Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.


Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!


Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?