Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
You Might Also Like
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”
So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?