Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I’m not proud
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women