The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol