@Shawn_spree

Wife: Am I grotesque?

Me: No, angel cake!

Wife: Why did you call me a cake?

Me: Cake is round?

*runs *

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@SuperJuanderer

[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive

@sweetg35

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????

@BadassBarbie11

Nice try, dogs who wear “Please Don’t Pet Me, I’m Working” vests.

@3sunzzz

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

@WritePlay

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

@AimeeHelene1

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

@AndrewNadeau0

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

@ericsshadow

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.