The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
January has been Januweary
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.