wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me