@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

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@laurenduca

It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!

@breatheandlove

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

@lemonmartinis

How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute

@bridger_w

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

@ScienceMarchDC

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

@TitansHomer

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With Little Ceasars

*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*

@markedly

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

@lbcoen

Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.