The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
1. Don’t die.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.
Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.
NO YOU GET A LIFE.
Bird of peace?
Bird of war?
Bird of true love?
..wait for it…
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.