@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

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@TheMichaelRock

The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.

@ElliotHetherton

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

@FU_TangClan

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

@GrapeSodaJamb

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.

@jensenmarie_

Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.

NO YOU GET A LIFE.

@ofcourseyoudid

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

@kate_smithxx

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.