@Laser_Cat

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

You Might Also Like

@slimmy_shady

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

@click4amanda

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

@Sweetonme81

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

@SCbchbum

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

@LittlestSlobo

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@TheAlexNevil

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

@copymama

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”