[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”


Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date


Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.


Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.


[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho


The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.


that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”


9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college


I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”