Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Me: Then I’m not coming.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Pubic is just one letter away from public, and that your honor, is why I was nude sunbathing downtown.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
We found Dove in a soapless place
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”