@Jaywoo74

Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
M:…
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.

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@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Pubic is just one letter away from public, and that your honor, is why I was nude sunbathing downtown.

@elle91

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

@VerbsRProudest

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

@badbanana

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

@baeblacksheep

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

@BoomBoomBetty

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

@pizzajaynow

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”