me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.