WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy


My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.


Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”


*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”


I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.


ME: You could cut the tension with a knife



Every so often my mother has a great idea, usually it involves leaving my house.


I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.


Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish