WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
not to brag, but mine was free
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?