Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

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I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.


Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.


FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me


[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.


i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls


Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know


When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?


me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we


As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying