Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…