Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
HR said no more nunchucks.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA