Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.


My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing


me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.


Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq


Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”


The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.


If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming


Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs!

[two days later]

Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.