Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS