@ojedge

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

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@Sara_Rose_G

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

@MumInBits

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

@Skoog

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

@AphroditeAfter5

Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@SenatorBigfoot

Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs!

[two days later]

Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.