Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Stop sending me this shit.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.