A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
“Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs.
On reflection this would have been a real time saver.
If you’re reading this, call me?
Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?