@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

?
me: it needs a belt right?

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@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

@DadandBuried

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

@decentbirthday

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

@TweetPotato314

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

@ehdannyboy

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

@BritXNic

“Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs.
Me: Ew”

On reflection this would have been a real time saver.

If you’re reading this, call me?

@withanewname

[Jaws 5]

Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?

Spielberg: ACTION!!