wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.


Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way



Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days


My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.


Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?


Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean


Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.


Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”