[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
Cashier: find everything okay?
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday
Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away
Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.