@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad


me: it needs a belt right?

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@theriouthly

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

@RamblingMachine

If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.

@LaziestCanine

Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012

@Moronyc

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

@1Tortured_soul

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

@slaughthie

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@TheMissyBaker

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.