@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad


me: it needs a belt right?

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@TheBoydP

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

@SweetVaBreezy

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

@OMGSoOverIt

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

@BrandonEsWolf

Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?

@KimmyMonte

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

@KeyLimeShy

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”