I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
cats be like I know a spot then sit on your throat
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”