wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.