Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR