Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!