Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
“I wouldn’t.”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Can’t. Being lazy.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.