Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.