Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
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I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.
*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*
*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*
And that’s how they found out about maple syrup
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
me: i’m 6’4″
me: wait for what