Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.


I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.


*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup


“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”


wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed


Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.


Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”


Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*


nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight











me: wait for what