Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
You Might Also Like
when there are deer in the woods
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.