Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
You Might Also Like
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.