*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

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It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.


heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists


*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?


Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything


DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
DEMON: hey now


I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.


Me: I’m gonna be late

Boss: why?

Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery


Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth


To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.