*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Krampus.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”