It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
You Might Also Like
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
DEMON: hey now
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: I’m gonna be late
Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.