Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
how it started vs how it ended
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours