[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.