WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Cashiers are always checking me out
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!