Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.