Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Your secret is safeish with me
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower