Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

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Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.


My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.


[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*


Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.


It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.


Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?


I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
The top ans was
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!


I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.