@david8hughes

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

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@novicefather

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.

@KyleMcDowell86

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

@Buffalojilll

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

@ImKevinito

Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.

@titletown__

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

@ValeeGrrl

Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?

@chinty88

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

@Cheeseboy22

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.