Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?


My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”


Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!


i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks


“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”


Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks


Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.


“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party