@david8hughes

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

@iGreenGod

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@sageboggs

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

@shopkins776

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

@weinerdog4life

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

@Jerk_Martin

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party