@david8hughes

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

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@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

@leannuh

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

@2tickytacky

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

@_iamalik

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@JennSlowpez

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

@4owe5i

was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns

@SirEvisiae

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.