Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.