[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday