WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
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@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.