@iwearaonesie

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

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@usedwigs

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

@JohnLyonTweets

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

@haveigotnews

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

@TimmySeiler

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

@DaHess1

Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.

Signed,
Everyone

@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.