The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
That’s because you’re in it…
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
We never really turn the phones off.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.