Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.