Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school