“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Stop sending me this shit.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.