Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.