@LeBearGirdle

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

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@Mr_Kapowski

Why does the airport entice me and call it a baggage carousel if I’m not allowed to ride on it?

@PetrickSara

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

@dogboner

in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a “rocket ship” how many rocket ships have you been in. That’s what I thought

@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

@Browtweaten

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…

@GabbbarSingh

Until you can’t kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live.