Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
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I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Anime is real
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.