WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
You Might Also Like
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Become ungovernable.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.