WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf