@KeetPotato

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

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@robfee

Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

@Snarfernini

A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.

@SirEviscerate

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@Thynebear

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

@causticbob

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next