[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.
Pros don’t ever use the Tip.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.