wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Same pineapple, same
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Rt to bother an English speaker
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too