@StoneAgeRadio13

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

You Might Also Like

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know

@RobotThomas

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

@AndyRichter

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

@TheWeirdWorld

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

@RuthePhoenix

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

@capricecrane

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

@1_swarthy_dude

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

@djdarrellripley

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?